Morty: How could you have done without it for so long? What will you do with it now that you have it? Where do we come from? Who are we? Where are we going? Lambada: fish or flesh? The answers to these questions and much more in this month's edition of MY PERFECT PSYCHEDELIC WORLD, with your host, Bob, Jr. And now, here's Bob...

Bob: Thanks Morty, and welcome, everyone, to MY PERFECT PSYCHEDELIC WORLD. My name's Curt and I'll be your host for this edition of MPPW since Bob is merely a fictional character whom I've created for my own personal amusement. This month, we'll take a look at what's in, and what's out; what's hot, and what's not on the secluded campus of Sewanee, Tennessee, all in my own sordid, yet omnipresent opinion.

Let's turn first to the world of fashion, shall we?
Birkenstocks. The sandal, the myth, the feeling. Gotta have 'em; gotta love 'em; gotta wear 'em with rag wool socks in the winter; gotta toss disc in 'em; gotta suck face in 'em. I never take mine off. I don't wear 'em cause their cool. I wear 'em cause their comfy and they make me look like a caveman. Go ahead, call me an earthy. At least I don't judge people by their clothes, you closed-minded, coat-and-tie-wearing, nine-to-five, pre-law capitalist dog. And besides, these Birks aren't made of fur, you ecologically illiterate wiper of other peoples bottoms; they're made of raw hide (whoopah). And they weren't expensive at all. I got 'em on sale for seventy dollars.
[A disclaimer: At this juncture, lest anyone be offended, I feel obliged to spell out the sole purpose of this article in no uncertain terms -- I am trying to be funny. I love you all very dearly; you precious children, ye merry clowns. Some of my best friends are groovy. A letter to the editor will not be necessary].
Los Zapatos, Hospitality Shop-style. The Hospy Shop shoes are totally rad, totally bad, and all at a price that won't make your pocketbook totally sad. I got these super-fine, zip-up, vinyl boots there for only three dollars! They're water-resistant, uncomfortable as crimeny, and they stand out in a crowd, making their wearer (me) immediately unusual, and attractively noticeable. Plus, the money I spent on them goes to support Emerald-Hodgson Hospital.

We now leave the realm of fashion, journeying ever-deeper into a world psychedelized to my perfection. Let us to music, ever music! A quick run of 'out's and 'in's, shall we?

OUT: Grateful Dead
IN: Thirteenth-Floor Elevators.

OUT: Bob Dylan
IN: Syd Barrett.

OUT: Beatles before 1966
IN: Beatles from 1966.

OUT: John Lennon's 'Imagine'
IN: The entire Wings catalog.

OUT: Nick-nameless British caucasians who claim to play the blues
IN: Leadbelly and Blind Lemon Jefferson.

OUT: Jefferson Airplane, Jefferson Starship, Starship, and any future incarnation of these losers (Star? Ship? St? Sh?)
IN: Yes (pre-1974).

OUT: Young M.C.
IN: M.C. 5.

OUT: Thinking that Elvis is still funny
IN: Getting a life.

OUT: Punk, hardcore, punkcore, funkcore, punkedelic psychebilly, psychedelic punkabilly, heavy-metal, speed-metal, thrash- metal, glam-metal, mental-metal, metal-metal
IN: Rock.
But fear not, gentle coz. You have my imaginary permission to listen to "The Eagle and the Hawk" by John Denver, which should be all your tremulous heart requires. Sleep knowingly, my friend; it shall be granted.

And now, a few words from our sponsor:
L.S.D. "I eat only freshly grown vegetables and fish. I cannot stand the chemicals they put in processed food. I abhor plastic, it's so artificial, so unnatural. And on occasion I willingly place a toxic, synthetic chemical on my tongue which destroys my brain a little bit more each time I use it. Hey, don't knock it till you've tried it. It's the deepest experience of my week."
      -former U.S. President, Jimmy Carter
Air. It's good, and good for you. And, if you breath it in and out real fast you can hyper-ventilate and pass out. Then, as you come to, you may experience an altered state of consciousness in which everything takes on a new and mystical significance. Other cool ways to alter your perception include standing on your head, spinning yourself around real fast in a circle for a long time, and gauging your eyes out with a red-hot poker. Happy trippin', au natural.

From hallucinogens to miscellaneous 'out's and 'in's as MY PERFECT PSYCHEDELIC WORLD continues.

OUT: Asking your neighbor to give peace a chance
IN: Selling your Saab, buying some food, taking it to downtown Nashville, and feeding somebody.

OUT: The idea that 'every little bit counts'
IN: The necessary realization that putting a 'Free South Africa' bumper sticker on your Volkswagen van DOES NOT COUNT.
[Please address all vehement objections to: Bob, Jr.'s MY PERFECT PSYCHEDELIC WORLD, the planet Uranus, 37375.]

OUT: Becoming 'aware', being 'aware', and making others 'aware'
IN: Worshipping in awe the God who made us, who knows us, and who loves us so much that He sacrificed his only Son so that now we can live forever in paradise.

Once again we're out of time, and it seems as if we've only just begun. Where do we come from? Who are we? Where are we going? Peter Frampton: animal, mineral, or vegetable? These questions and more on the next MY PERFECT PSYCHEDELIC WORLD. We now return you to your regularly scheduled program.